Too much to lose

I came home from Haiti on Easter. 
I already felt behind.

Then I got sick.  And sicker.  A little better.  Then terribly sick. 
2 weeks passed.
I finally began to start feeling better.
At 2 and a half weeks, I'm still coughing, still dealing, but healing.

But I'm so behind.  In everything.  EVERYTHING.
And when you have a need to be in control, to have everything perfect... that ruins you.
You are confronted with the feeling of FAILURE.

YOU FEEL LIKE A FAILURE.

Even when things are great in other areas of life, you start to hear those condemning words.  You start to think they might be true--because there's no way out from under the failure.  There's no way to succeed.

Then something happens.  Something bad in my case.  Something external that got made right, but still... it's more than you can handle. 
You crumble.
But still...  You have to appear in control.
You make a weak cry for help, but aren't heard - at least the way you want to be.

You get to a point where the facade covering the feeling of failure is too much.  It begins to weaken. Crack. Dissolve.  But...

It was at this point that I realized I was under attack.  I sat in my car, staring at a tree, yelling at the devil.  Everyone sits in their cars and stares at trees while they're yelling at the devil... don't they??

Then a friend comes up.  Runs up.  Urgently.  "I'm supposed to pray for you!"
She doesn't ask, she just starts praying.
And the tears start.

Change scene.

Other friends, those I've allowed to speak into my life, see me breaking.  Ask what's wrong.
Tears.
They pray.  More pray.
Battles are fought.  And won.

After, exhausted but grounded, God confronted me with the truth of what He's done in my life.
How far He's taken me.
Where He's leading me.
And He gently whispered, "To get there, you need these people.
You are not alone.
When you feel like you're losing control, be thankful.  Then turn to those I've placed in your life.
They're here to carry you to Me.
There is no condemnation.
You are not a failure nor are you failing.
I am most present in your weakness, daughter.
I am community.  You need community.
When you walk away from the community I have given you, you are turning your back on the changes I have made in your life.  You have too much to lose.
You have so much to gain.
You. Are. Loved."

My soul, injured, grieving, broken...  was healed.

To my community, to those whom God has placed in my life:
Thank you.  Thank you so very much.

5 Minute Friday

Found this on The Gypsy Mama's blog... You get one word and five minutes to write--no editing, no thinking, just... going. 

Today's word?  Together...  Ready?  Go!



TOGETHER

This is a fascinating concept for me, a single, Christian woman.  I am together with people when I'm at work.  I'm together with people when I'm at church, or with family.  But when do I really FEEL together???

I felt together in Haiti.  I felt like we were doing something as a TEAM, like we were 12, but with one goal.  Especially during times of worship--both in team time and in church.

I feel together during worship.  I know, it's the same as above sort of... but different.  When you get a full room of people, praising Jesus, no one paying attention to each other--only, solely focused on the Savior.

I felt together last night when several of my small group got on facebook and had an inane 300+ post conversation about... well, nothing really.  But filled with so many laughs.

I feel together when my sisters and I are laughing.  About anything really.  Inability to fly rc helicopters.  Each other.  Silly alpacas.  Monopoly.  Whatever.

I feel together when I'm with friends and we're DOING something.  like Tomboy Takeover.  We get to make an impact on people's lives, even if it's just to brighten them, by doing something fun and exciting.  THAT is together.

I feel together when I have to lean on my savior.  When I feel so alone and separate... that I KNOW He has to be with me.  Maybe I don't FEEL together then.  Maybe I just TRUST together.

That's five minutes.

Confidence

‎19 Therefore, brothers and sisters, since we have confidence to enter the Most Holy Place by the blood of Jesus, 20 by a new and living way opened for us through the curtain, that is, his body, 21 and since we have a great priest over the house of God, 22 let us draw near to God with a sincere heart and with the full assurance that faith brings, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience and having our bodies washed with pure water. 23 Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful. 24 And let us consider how we may spur one another on toward love and good deeds, 25 not giving up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but encouraging one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching. ~Hebrews 10:19-25

I picked this verse, at least the first half, for when I was baptized in 1997.  Ever since then, it's been special to me... kind of like a secret between me and Jesus.

I just read through Hebrews.  It's a pretty amazing picture of how the Law had an imperfect ritual to allow people to attempt to draw near to God, but Jesus was the perfect solution.  Jesus' blood covered our sin so purely and perfectly that we don't need to return again and again for the bull's blood to "cover" us.  He was, completely and fully, our payment for our sin.  It doesn't make any sense - and in that... it is so very beautiful. 

This verse talks about having confidence to enter the Most Holy Place - that Jesus opened up the way to God for us.  We CAN draw near to God.  Sometimes I think that God isn't expecting this from me.  He expects me to live following Him, to seek Him in prayer (especially for other people!), to be as "holy" as I can...  but I forget the confidence He has already told me to have when I approach His throne.  Not arrogance.  Not pridefulness.  But the boldness of a daughter coming to her Father, knowing that He IS the King and can do whatever He decides.  Sometimes He more than happily says no.  But other times?  Other times there's a resounding YES. 

When I run to the throne room and beg, "Father!  Place me where I'm supposed to be in Your kingdom!" He is going to answer with a very exuberant YES.  And this YES let's me know that wherever I am, whatever I am doing, if I am wholeheartedly seeking Him, watching His hand, hearing His heartbeat... I am confidently where I am supposed to be for His kingdom... at least for that moment.

Father, help me to pray with that confidence.  Help me to hear Your heart, to know Your breathing as well as if it were my own.  Place me where I'm supposed to be today.  Guide me to where I'm supposed to be, in Your kingdom, tomorrow.  I am willing for You to use me and change me.

By His Power

‎11 With this in mind, we constantly pray for you, that our God may make you worthy of his calling, and that by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith. 12 We pray this so that the name of our Lord Jesus may be glorified in you, and you in him, according to the grace of our God and the Lord Jesus Christ. 

~2 Thessalonians 1:11-12

This really struck me as I was reading tonight.

First of all...  "that our God may make you worthy of his calling" - meaning that when we are called... we're not yet worthy, not yet ready.  I know this, chances are, YOU know this, too.  But... here it is, in Scripture, in black and white.  He calls us, He gives us a plan and a future, and THEN He works in us to mold us to where He's taking us.  It's beautiful.  It's graceful.  It's oh so forgiving and generous.  *I* certainly wouldn't work this way.  *I* would look for the most qualified person and build from that.  But no, not our Jesus.  Jesus loves us... while we're still sinners.

Second, "by his power he may bring to fruition your every desire for goodness and your every deed prompted by faith."  This reminds me of where it says, "Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desires of your heart."  It all starts in HIM.  It says, "prompted by faith."  I believe in Him, and He prompts me to have these desires for goodness, these good deeds.  He WANTS these things to be brought to fruition in my life!

What a glorious Lord!

When I Think of Haiti...

...here's what I will remember.

Teenagers

We spent a week in Haiti, Saturday to Saturday.  There were 12 of us on our team... 8 high schoolers, 4 leaders.  Our teens changed in that week.  They grew by leaps and bounds, in boldness, joy, maturity, and worship of the Lord.  Our nightly prayer meetings reflected the day's work - these kids pushed during the day, and they pushed at night.  They love our Jesus with a fiercer love than before - and I am so very proud of them.

My Inabilities

Philippians says, "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  That was proven this week - with a reminder of the opposite... I can do nothing, at least nothing of consequence, without Him.  This is my prayer - that I remember this in all things... That HE is the source of all my abilities AND my inabilities.  I can do nothing without His power working through me, and all things should point to Him.

The Worship

Have you ever sung in Creole?  I have...  I LOVE it.  Worship at the Mission of Hope church was infectious... even if you didn't know what you were singing, you knew you were glorifying the Lord - and joining hundreds of other believers, belting out the lyrics.  These people show no restraint in their worship.  If they want to praise the Lord, they do so with every ounce of their being.  They sing loudly, dance exuberantly, and shout His praises from the beginning to the end.   

On Tuesday night, we had a worship service...  Mostly songs, some prayer--a lot of time praising the Lord.  After an hour and a half or two hours, it came time to take the offering.  After about 5 minutes of worship, things started to be dying down... a few of us looked at each other, ready to take our seats.  All of a sudden, the music ramped up again--louder and a little faster.  Something was happening.  People began pouring out of their seats and into the aisles, dancing, singing, laughing, until sweat was visible on every single person there.  On and on and on the music played, increasing intensity, building joy and laughter.  After about 10 minutes, Justin stepped out to video the intense worship, as the rest of us just kept moving with the music.  We were clapping and laughing, singing all of the "Oooohs" and as much of the Creole as we could figure out.  Our students joined in a conga line.  The people around us danced and sang, shouting out thanks to God - "Meci, Jezi!  Meci, Jezi!"  20 or 25 minutes in the music finally finished... worshipers flushed and hoarse, filled with laughter.  I suspect it will be a long time before I experience this intensity in worship again!

God's Orchestrations

The things that seemed so little when we started this trip out became vitally important.  God planned each of the 4 leaders to head to Haiti with these teens--2 men, 2 women.  Each of us was needed, with our own abilities and strengths.  Who knew that we would need the expertise of each at one time or another?  Only God.  I feel so very honored that I was chosen as one of these leaders, and that I was able to serve Him not only by ministering to the Haitian community, but also to the youth of our own church.

There were other times when I was amazed at how God would place one person in a position to minister and it would be the perfect person.  One example: We were in a village on our last ministry day, talking to the people in the street.  The afternoon was hot and muggy (as all are in Haiti).  Women were washing clothes in the river on the other side of the bridge.  Children came running to us calling out, "Blan! Blan!  (White! White!)"  A group of men were resting in the shade of a huge tree, right next to the river.  One of our students, an evangelist at heart, grabbed one of our translators (yes, they're interpreters, not translators, but down there that's what they're referred to as), and began asking these men if they were Christians, if they believed in Jesus, if they wanted prayer.  He made the rounds... then stopped at one man sitting by himself.  The older man lifted up his left arm to show our teen the scars from where the bullets of a gun ripped through his body.  Our young evangelist adjusted his shirt to show where the bullet of a gun ripped through his own body--putting him in a place to recognize the reality of Jesus.  Young boy and old man--connected with an awareness of how precious life is and how it needs to be used by God.  The old man gave his life to Christ that day.  God used two very horrible situations to bring His glory into the lives of His children.

Greetings and Language

When I see someone here in the US, I still want to greet them with "Bon Jou" or "Bon Swa!"  I want to tell people, "Meci!"  I want to ask, "Komen ou ye?"  I still hear our teens shouting "Jezi vivan!"  In telling stories to some of my Deaf co-workers  today, I signed things in ASL, but mouthed them in Creole--because things happened in Creole.

The Sweating

OK, it had to be mentioned. At multiple points during the week, everyone's shirts were soaked with sweat.  It was hot.  And working hard in the hot means that your pores start leaking.  I can still see David on the ladder inside the school, painting the corners and edges, both shirts soaked and hair plastered to his face.  There were shiny faces all week long - but loving Jesus means you get to sweat sometimes - it was worth it!

The Healings

We serve a God who likes to do miracles.  One of the teens on our team went to Haiti with very bad asthma.  While there, he had a massive, get-him-to-the-hospital-or-he-could-die asthma attack.  Those on our team who were with him at the time started to pray - and instantly he was healed.  Not just healed in the moment, but permanently healed.  There is no more asthma in his body.  God is amazing!

The last night we were there, God told me to ask the teens for prayer for my knees.  I've been diagnosed with osteoarthritis in my left knee, and there are times when the pain is debilitating.  This was their trip and I didn't want to take away from that, plus I'm so dang prideful, but God was clear... so I asked.  They prayed.  I stood up and went to the stairs... going down about half of them, turning around, and coming back up...  Something was different.  There was no grinding.  No grinding.  My knees have been grinding every day since last January - and often before that.  The grinding was gone.  I had no idea how to respond.  My knees felt weird, different than they ever had.  I yelled out, "There's NO GRINDING!"  I went up and down the stairs - again with no grinding.  How do you respond??  My prayer the whole time was, "Lord, I believe.  Help my unbelief!"  It still is!

See...  There's still pain in my knee--specifically my left knee.  but... it's different.  I'm not sure how to describe what's different about it.  The grinding is gone.  I'm going up and down stairs now and not crunching--something I wasn't sure I'd ever experience again.  I have an appointment later this month with a knee specialist--something that got scheduled before I left for Haiti.  My endocrinologist (who made the appointment) suspected that there may be more than just arthritis in there.  I'm tending to agree...  I'm wondering if God DID specifically heal the arthritis, so the doctor will be able to see what the OTHER problem is clearly.  I don't know how our Lord works - I just know that I will continue to pray and thank Him and be so very excited!

 That's all for now.  God is GOOD.  He is FAITHFUL.  I am so in love with Him.

My Heart is Happy

I cannot believe how God is moving in my life.  Honestly, I'm not sure I've ever been so happy or grateful for the things He's doing!

Very soon I'll be in Haiti, with a crazy group of teenagers, sweating all over ourselves.  It's going to be phenomenal.  Some of these teens I've just recently met, others I've known for awhile - but I love them all!  I'm SO very excited to see what God works in their hearts and lives!

I'm also developing a love for the Hatian people...  especially their Deaf community.  If you get a chance, check out Kyle Reschke's blog...  I read what God is doing down there, how He's empowering the Deaf community, and I have tears of joy.  He truly DOES take the lonely and set them in families.  He truly DOES care, desperately, for those that society calls the least.  He truly IS far greater than anything any of us could imagine.

Life is so... unpredictable.  Who knew?  8 months ago, my life was fairly status quo.  Today, I've seen my future.  I'm undergoing major heart change and the renewing of my mind.  I'm going to HAITI.  Life is good.

The Moments

Now this is a story all about how my life got flipped turned upside down, and I'd like to take a minute, just sit right there, I'll tell you how I became the princess of the life God gave....

OK, so that's not exactly how it goes. ;)

Have you ever had that moment?  You know the one.  Where you're going along in your life, everything is the same as yesterday, except that you're 24 hours older, and hopefully 24 hours wiser, when all of a sudden... there's a moment where life completely changes.  Where life completely changes YOU?

I've had TWO of those moments in the last few months.  TWO.

In November, I was walking along, minding my own, when KABLAM!  God throws down the blueprint for the rest of my life.  OK, so it's not really a blueprint.  It's more of a "this is where you're headed, kid.  Hang on for the ride!"  All of my secret dreams were suddenly blended together in this exquisite patchwork that only God could design.  I'm not there yet, I'm oh, so far from there, but... it was that MOMENT!  At that moment, everything changed.  Everything.

What's really crazy is that nothing REALLY changed. :)  I mean, it was all internal.  It was purposeful, and hopeful, and totally insane.  But I was still (heck, AM still) in the same situation.  But the gears, those nutty God-gears, began to creak their way into movement.

And then the moment happened... again.  Our youth pastor said, "Hey, wanna join the teenagers and I in Haiti?"  I said, "Hm, thanks, I'll pray about it, but NO."  Too late.  The bug was planted.  The infection begun.  The rest of my life began playing out in that one, simple question.  "Wanna go to Haiti?"

I almost cry when I think about what happened that week.  He asked me on a Sunday.  I had a MILLION reasons not to go.  It's stinking HOT in Haiti.  Teenagers?  I work with adults.  Work.  Money.  Health.  One by one, God addressed the issues.  My boss COMMANDED me to go.  Coworkers stepped up and said, "I can't go, but because you're following God, I'll help YOU go."  God told me that it was time to start living the way the rest of my life is going to be.  So I'm going.  That Thursday night, after receiving massive confirmation, I emailed the youth pastor and said, "I'm in."  That moment.  That one, crazy moment.

You know what's happened?  I've had MULTIPLE people tell me they've never seen me this happy.  I've never been so sure of a direction in my life.  I feel... buoyant.  Something is pushing me higher and higher.  In those moments, as I was receptive, the Holy Spirit began working, changing, molding.  He's beginning something that I have no control over.  He's completely revolutionizing how I speak, act, behave.  Truths that He has planted in my heart are bubbling forth, with a passion and a zeal that I've only ever prayed for.

That moment?  Those moments?  They're called obedience.

God called and I said, "Yes."  

That's all.

Listen for those moments, friends.  Pay attention!  When they come, have your answer ready: "Yes, Lord!  YES!"